Dear Patti,

 I am married and due to my husband's job I became a housewife (we move from time to time.) I've made the decision that I want to have a family, and he is really a fantastic person... but, when we are with his sisters, especially the older one, they provoke me all the time and he never does anything about it, always siding against me. He thinks that I should take it as nothing... I used to not get angry, not paying much attention, but now I do not accept it anymore and have started to answer properly to the provocation. He is always on their side and says I am always wrong. I do not necessarily want to be right, I just want him to understand that I should not have to put up with the disrespect. I also do not want him to quarrel with them, I just want him to act reasonably and set boundries. I´ve noticed that by the end of the day I became the maid of the house when we are visiting his sisters. I've made my points clear with the lack of respect that has been happening and that I would not go to his sister's home again to spend vacations. He wants to go back to his country next year and I need your advice in how to deal with this situation... thanks a lot!

Question by Disrespected, unknown

Patti says,

It sounds, from your email, that either you or your husband might be from a different culture. Here, in the US, women demand respect. If a man is not treating his wife with the respect that she deserves, the woman has the option and right to leave. If you are happy in your marriage aside from these trips to his home country, consider not going with him. Let him travel to visit his family by himself, and let him know that you refuse to let him and his sisters disrespect you in any way. If he insists that you travel with him, and becomes angry about it, perhaps it's time to consider whether being married to him is doing more harm than good..

Hi Patti,

my question is, how do you date successfully with genital herpes? I think there is a lack of information for this topic. I got herpes from my ex husband. I'm desperate as people are really afraid of this disease.

Question by Desperate, Illinois

Patti says,

The best thing to do is be honest. Not necessarily on the first, second, or third dates, but definitely before you become intimate. Give someone time to get to know you and see what a great person you are before you share that information. Be prepared for questions and concerns by knowing your facts and being fully knowledgeable about the disease and prevention techniques to educate your date. It is an unfortunate situation but not hopeless. Good luck!

Hi Patti,

My question is: How do you feel about proposal ultimatums? I have been with my bf for 7 years. I am 26 he is 28. We both want to marry each other, however, I want a ring very soon, and he isn't ready yet. Should I give him an ultimatum? Also, he has been looking at rings, yet he tells me he isn't ready. Talk about confusion!

Question by Tying the knot, New York

Patti says,

An ultimatum is not a great idea unless you're ok with the risk of him leaving you for pressuring him into marriage. The idea of marriage is very scary for some people, due to parental relationships and also the statistics that show a very high percentage of marriages failing. Perhaps he feels very comfortable and satisfied in your relationship right now and is afraid of anything changing by getting married. I would suggest sitting down and talking to him about his fears and hopefully the two of you can come to some sort of understanding. Cut him some slack, you're only in your 20s and there's still time to figure it out. Just sit down and have a heart to heart with him about it and ask him to help you understand his issues with marriage.

regarding the below paragraph that you wrote: What are you supposed to talk about, I understand not talking about past relationships, but why not pets, hobbies etc....

"When you are on a date, you only have about 30 minutes to build some sort of emotional chemistry. Do not waste time having long conversations about your children, pets, crazy hobbies and interests or past relationships—a definite do not."

Question by Unsure, Nebraska

Patti says,

When I said pets, I meant that you shouldn't talk about your 6 birds that you talk to every night and your smelly free-roaming ferrets. When i say crazy hobbies, I mean the fact that you like to go to cuddle parties or streaking with your friends on the weekends. Things like that can scare someone off if they don't know you yet. A lot of the time, quirky interests are much easier to deal with if you know the person and have developed some kind of emotional bond with them. Have a dog? Ok, you can mention it, but if the guy doesn't go into further details, let it go. No one cares the way you do that your dog won the pedigree award 10 years in a row. Hobbies are definitely okay to talk about, if you like relatively harmless things like boating, dancing, hiking, art, etc. If you even have to question whether or not one of your hobbies might appear weird to a stranger, don't bring it up.

Dear Patti,

I've been with my high school sweetheart for almost 7 years now & we're engaged. We're both in our early 20's and I want him to grow up- hes always playing games/watching movies and I always have to ask/beg him to help out around our apt. He almost always ends up helping me but only if i ask. He does work a full time job and he's finally going to go back to school soon(thank God!) but I'm sick of feeling like I'm his mom- I do all the chores and shopping and pay the bills- I had to convince him to go to school and I want him to be the one who "wears the pants" and take an initiative and be a man! How do I get him to take on more responsibility?

Question by Frustrated, Wisconsin

Patti says,

You need to sit down and have a serious chat about this with him. Make sure he knows that his behavior is causing you to begin to resent him. A lot of the time, men do well with lists. Make a list of the things you'd like him to help out with every week and post it on the fridge. Tell him that if he's going to behave like a child, he will be treated as such. If he doesn't get the hint and start taking some responsibility, you ought not to marry him; it will only get worse once you tie the knot.

Patti,

I have been dating a man for 3 years. We got engaged 10 months ago. We have not got married yet due to his financial situation. He is self employed in construction. He does not claim any of his earnings to the Goverment. He owes his ex-wife past child support about $50,000. He said he does not want to claim his income because the State would start taking his child support out of his income. I am full time employed with full benifits and make a good imcome and support myself pretty good. We were going to get married about 4 months ago, but we had to cancel the wedding. The reason was before the wedding day I went to speak to a Lawyer I had lots of legal advice to ask concerning his owed child support my property, retirment benifits ect. My lawyer told me if we got married the State could start taking his owed child support out of my wages and tax returns. I spoke to my fiance about everything and told him I would give him 6 months to get a payment plan set in place for his owed child support. And he needed to start paying his taxes and he needed to find a full time job because his work is also very unsteady. He could go a week or two with out working. He also is a single dad his son is 15yrs. Please help Patti I'm so confused. I don't know if I should continue to stay with this man. I do love him and he treats me good he's also alote of fun to be around. He's 46 and I'm 53yrs.

Question by Confused, California

Patti says,

Stick to your guns about the six month rule you set for him. At the end of the six months, sit him down and re-evaluate his financial situation. If it hasn't improved, you might consider abandoning the relationship, or at least putting off any nuptial plans until he can take responsibility for his money problems. At his age, he should be financially stable and planning for a comfortable retirement; not only for himself but for you, his future wife, as well.

Dear Patti,

 It seems my ex-husband might be interested again. He's single,but seeing someone,and I'm single not in a relationship right now. We recently got reacquainted at our daughter's wedding and wedding activities. What should I do?

Question by New Mother-in-law, Michigan

Patti says,

You should do nothing until he is detached from the person he is currently seeing. If you decide to try to reconcile with him, be rational and realistic about it. Sit down and go over all the reasons you originally divorced and talk about what's changed, if anything, and what the both of you would like to get out of reconciling. Divorce is a grueling process for everyone involved and it's important to recognize the reasons it happened in the first place. Something else to consider is the children you have together. If any of them are young, it could be traumatic for them to see their divorced parents get back together and potentially fail all over again. It can even be traumatic for grown children as well.

Dear Patti, All of the situations I've seen on your website so far are about people and their current boyfriend/girlfriend. How about getting one first? What if you happen to be in a "geographically challenged" area? I don't even know where to go to meet someone except online or in a bar, which I don't frequent often. Plus, I'm new to the area so I don't have the social circle like I used to. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. What do I do?

Question by City Girl Moved to the Mountains, North Carolina

Patti says,

In cases like yours, I recommend a local, personalized matchmaking/dating service. Get a few numbers from an internet search and do your homework! Make sure you pick a company that is credible, legitimate, and reasonably priced. The company you choose will sit down and listen to your wants and needs, and put that information towards matching you with quality people. Also, a great way to expand your social circle is to go to local festivities and events. Start up a hobby, like pottery or a dance class to meet new people. Remember: every new friend you make has friends, and their friends have friends, and so on. Before you know it, you'll have people setting you up left and right! Good luck!

Dear Patti,

 I am a 42-year old single mother of one five year old daughter. It is hard for me to date because I don't have a strong support system. In addition, I don't want to introduce my daughter to new men that I meet until the relationship is long-term. How does a single mother meet someone and date them without going broke on babysitting services?

Question by Single Mom, Texas

Patti says,

Unfortunately, there is little way around avoiding costly babysitters these days when taking the dating avenue you have chosen. If your daughter is in kindergarten or preschool, you could try setting up lunch dates or daytime activities with men you are trying to date while she is in school. Also, I'm sure you have a few close relatives or friends who wouldn't mind watching her once in a while for you for free, or at least at low cost. Does she have sleepovers/playdates yet with pals? (I'm thinking not, but I can't be sure. It's been fifteen years since my daughter was five!) If she does, you could certainly use that time to meet people.

Dear Patti, I was seeing a guy for 2 years. He had been recently divorced just like me. Both of our spouses were having affairs. With no warning 6 months ago he said he was going back to his x-wife becuase she kept calling and threatning suicide. She always had some mental issues and was very mean and demanding. Everytime he goes to florida (18 hours away by car) I say I am not going to talk to him but I always do and when he comes home 4 times since august I always end up seeing him. He is a real nice guy, and a good friend. He says thereis no love or passion between them. I feel like if I dont talk to him I am abandoning him. I guess I still hope he will come back. What should I do? Everyone says as long as we keep in touch I will never move on. I would like your opinion.

Question by Lost, Pennsylvania

Patti says,

He is essentially abandoning you for his "suicidal" ex wife. Most likely her threats of suicide are not legitimate, and are merely ways to get him to come back to her. It's very manipulative and controlling, narcissistic behavior. In his mind, he has no reason to choose between you and his ex if you keep allowing him to see you and contact you. He is a grown man dealing with juvenile behavior, and he has a choice in this situation. He is not worth your time if this is the path he is choosing. If he is seriously afraid of his ex killing herself, he should call suicide prevention and put the matter into the hands of qualified professionals.

Dear Patti, I have been dating a guy for two years now. We met about five years ago. He pursued me from the beginning but I did not care for him, but I continued to go out with him and befriend him because I thought he was a nice person. He is a mommas boy, but he has, for the most part, treated me very well and he and I have both grown over the past few years. However, he is not my ideal mate but when is enough, enough? Isn't it better to settle than to grow old alone? It is not always about this magical love...

Question by Earthangel , California

Patti says,

In my opinion, settling should never be an option. Once you release yourself from the unahppy relationship, and start to realize what would make you happy, you will be more open to finding true love. I have matched people in their sixties who'd never been in love before, but they eventually found it. Don't lose hope, and GET OUT of that relationship!! I promise, it will be worth it.

Dear Patti, I have been dating this guy off and on for 4 years. I am head over heels in love with him. He says he loves me too. Problem, he breaks up with me EVERY year before Christmas. He still buys me a present so it isn't about the present. We are currently apart, again, but I really want him back. I miss him. He is an alcoholic, but not a mean drunk. He goes to work and raises his kids. Am I crazy for wanting him back? Should I just cut my losses and move on this time? My friends think I'm crazy. But I feel like if you really love someone and the relationship means that much to you, it's worth fighting for.

Question by Head over Heels, Indiana

Patti says,

It's only worth fighting for if both of you are investing 100 percent. He clearly knows how much you love him, and is using it to his advantage. His push me pull me crap is outrageously manipulative. If you care about him as much as you say, you will kick him to the curb until he seeks treatment for his addiction (which is affecting your relationship with him regardless of whether he's a mean drunk or not), learns to be fully committed to you, quits with the Christmas time games, and learns some respect. If he really loves you, he will make huge strides.

Dear Patti, 

I have read a book called "Stop getting Dumped" and it says in the book NEVER call the guy! If he wants to talk to you he will call you. Does this still apply when the man is 63 and you are 57?

Question by L, Virgina

Patti says,

This is 2008. Anyone can make the call. If you're interested in someone, don't let traditional dos and don'ts get in your way. Call him up! He might be unsure of your interest as well.

I am really confused and feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride and can't get off. I have been involved with a guy who doesn't want to commit and says it's not me, and that he doesn't want to commit to anyone. I've convinced myself that I'm fine with this and I have told him that I am dating other men - but I want to be honest, and I value honesty. He says he is not seeing anyone else but has also mentioned that other women don't want to go out with him because he is a player. I don't think it's worth it anymore - we don't go out, we have long telephone conversations and everything seems good until I see him in the gym and he doesn't even acknowledge me. I need your tough love, Patti!

Question by Rollercoaster, Ontario

Patti says,

Forget about him! He's clearly not looking for the same thing you are. You deserve to be with someone who values you and enjoys spending time with you. Not acknowledging you at the gym???? Loser. End contact with him and start moving on immediately. Especially since you know he's a player.

Dear Patti, 

A guy online saw my old picture on a roommate site. We have been emailing back and forth. He is really nice. How and when do I tell him that I have a weight problem? I want to have lap band surgery as soon as I can so I can look nice again. I feel that I am not being honest sending him old pictures of myself. I want to tell him but I have no idea how to do it. Most men never talk to me again once they know.

Question by Cautious, Kansas City

Patti says, Dear Cautious, I'm not a big fan of Internet Dating and this is one of the reasons. There's no way to know if what people say about themselves is true and if they're representing themselves truthfully. While you may not have started out intending to misrepresent yourself, you did, and now there's nothing to do but come clean. Recovering from a lie is hard, but honesty is always the best policy, so take the photo down and tell him that you're working on your weight. Do it soon, since the longer you pretend to be the person in the photo, the angrier he'll be that you misled him. It's a tough place to start, and you can only hope that he'll give you a chance under the circumstances, but if he doesn't, it's time for you to move forward. Stop posting out-of-date photos of yourself online. Then stop the internet dating and start losing the weight. Put dating off until you're more comfortable with your weight and how you look. Once you start feeling better about yourself, you can show an up-to-date picture of yourself and find someone who doesn't care if you're a little bit of a chunky monkey.